Thursday, February 26, 2009


I say this everytime I post lately... "I'm sorry it's been so long!" There hasn't been any progress or cycles since I last posted and I feel like I'm becoming super repetitive in what I say. Most of it's really and truely how I feel otherwise I would not bother to post but I think I've realized that some of it has been to sike myself up. I'm infamous for saying oh "I'm fine", "Things are great" blah blah blah and again, most of the time I am but realizing that I've internalized all of this fertility stuff. The result...Anger. Lots of anger. I'm angry at a lot of things.

I have been totally beyond reasoning been blessed with the most amazing Bible study teacher. I've mentioned her before but she truely is a woman of God and her insight and wisdom is God-given. I say this because Phillip and I have come to a crossroads. I'm kind of not wanting to continue on with treatments for the time being. I've been carrying a tremondous amount of guilt regarding Emma. I truely want her to have a brother or sister and have been trying extra hard for her benefit. We both want a second kid and think it would be an amazing addition to our family. What I struggle with is that I don't want Emma to grow up being stereo-typed as the dreaded "only child." Or having the "only child syndrome." What I've come to realize is that I am trying to control the situation and the outcome of her life. If it's God's plan for her to be our only child then God will take care of all her needs. He will provide everything she needs in life. Not me, not Phillip. No one on earth can fulfill her needs except for the Lord. How refreshing is that? Hello! That really took a lot of pressure off of me. As long as I've given her over to the Lord she'll be just fine.

Back to Kay. I sat down with her a little while ago and told her about my anger issues. What I was angry about and why and one of the many pieces of advice she gave me that I want to pass along to my fellow sisters who are struggling. She told me that I need to start praying for contentment with just Emma. BINGO! Contentment. Yes! Exactly! Everytime I talk about infertility and what I'm feeling or going through I always preface with the face that I'm already blessed with Emma and how amazing she is! If I could just quell the yearning and be content with Emma then life will be good. She's all I need. I've already been blessed and how am I treating God for the most amazing gift he's given me? Ungrateful? Yup. But I am grateful. I just need to ease off being so greedy. :) I've been given this amazing experience that many many many people would give un-told things to be in my shoes.

So I've been praying night and day for God to grant me contentment with just having Emma. God has granted me contentment! I'm at peace with just having her. We've even talked about taking a break for a while and we are both cool with it. It's amazing! I still have 4 boxes of medicine in my refridgerator so we may do one more cycle so it doesn't go bad but after that we are officially taking a break. I'm actually relieved. I'm tired physically, mentally and emotionally and just want out. I want to move on and enjoy my life. Get off of all this medicine that effects my hormones, moods, weight and just focus on life and try to get myself back together.