Monday, August 18, 2008

My Lessons

I am sorry that I haven't written much on this blog lately. What's there to say these days? We've picked up our lives and are moving on with things. One blessing in all of this is that we do have one precious little girl in our lives already. It's hard to be sad and depressed when she greets you with smiles, kisses and hugs every morning? I have a little one to raise and there's no time to waste being upset. She keeps me moving and reminds me everyday of the miracle she is to us.

Two things God has taught me in all of this.
1) Emma, my precious miracle baby is enough. She's my joy and my heart. I couldn't imagine life without her. We are immensely blessed with her in our lives and she is enough. God couldn't have given us a more perfect gift. I am so thankful for her.

2) Going through fertility treatments you loose sight of many things. You are focused on one thing and one thing only and are driven until you receive the desired results. Those of you who have children understand that it's easy to put your children first and make sure that they are taken care of. I'm guilty of that and God has convicted me on this. Phillip and I need to take better care of each other. We haven't gone out on a date in many months which is greatly needed. We need to work on doing things for each other first. Bringing a second child into the picture will only make things harder.

Please don't mistake me for thinking we are in trouble because it isn't. No one told me that marriage is a lot of work. It's so easy to forget the little things you used to do before your children came along. I just want to remember the nice things we did for each other. Remember what it was like when we were dating. Getting dressed up. Doing your hair. Wearing make-up.

It's funny because we have been trying to plan a special trip for our 5 year anniversary coming up this November. Every time we think of a place we both say, "Oh Emma would love doing that." "Don't you want to bring Emma with us?" Even though we really want to take her with us and it will be hard to leave without her I think it'll do us good to get away. We've had a heck of a year so far and we just need a nice break. Not really a break from her just some time to be together.

Anyways, thank you all for your prayers and your thoughts. It's been a very hard time but it's also been a good time. God is good. We truely believe that and we know he has plans for each of us. Even our little baby we lost. It all works to His greater glory.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

~Part 2~

**Read Part 1 first (It's right below this one.)**
As of last Thursday I was 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant. 6 weeks and 2 days past ovulation and 3 weeks and 2 days since I knew I found out I was pregnant.

July 4th I started spotting and from that day I haven't stopped. All along the Dr.'s and nurses said this was all "normal." Other women that had had babies said that they spotted and had successful pregnancies and that I shouldn't worry. This pregnancy was different. Much different than my pregnancy with Emma. I got waves of nausea where my stomach would feel icky but nothing major. No throwing up or anything like that. I didn't have headaches like with Emma but had such fierce heartburn that I already finished one bottle of Tums. In the back of my mind though I just didn't feel like spotting was ok.

Saturday July 19th in the middle of the night I woke up cramping. It continued into Sunday and lasted all day. It was so bad at times that I could hardly stand or walk. We made it to church after looking on the Internet. I found my symptoms and concluded that I had "round ligament pain." That evening it all went away.

July 29th around 6pm I got the horrible cramps again. This time I just went and sat on the toilet. I couldn't think of anything else to do. The pain wouldn't let up. It lasted about an hour and went away. I felt one time a contraction like pain but that was it. I called the Dr. the next day and told them I wanted an ultrasound done. They did one with Emma when I was seven weeks along so I knew they would be able to make sure everything was ok. They told me to come in Thursday July 31st.

So Phillip, Emma and I went to the Dr.'s office on Thursday. I was excited and wanted them there so they could see the babies heart beat for the first time. We've been talking to Emma about the baby already and she's so excited. Phillip and I discussed the possibility that the appointment could not go the way we wanted it to go but we both tried to be really positive. After all, I was still spotting and after the cramping I never bled more than normal and never passed any large clots. I had nothing to fear since I knew I was having round ligament pain.

Nurse L started the ultrasound and we all just sat there in silence. I knew what was she was looking at and what she was looking for. I remember what it looked like the first time we saw Emma's little beating heart on the monitor. We sat there with our breath's held knowing what was coming next. Nothing. No beating heart. No baby anymore. I had miscarried.

We were taken into a room to wait for the Dr. to come in and we just cried. We had come so far and now there was no baby. All of the excitement and the planning was for not. My heart broke. The Dr. confirmed the diagnosis but said we needed to wait for the bloodwork to come back to see what was going on inside. He said I was definitely pregnant and I had either miscarried during the cramping and continue to do so, the baby is growing somewhere other than my uterus or lastely it's an ectopic pregnancy.

The bloodwork has shown that it's not an ectopic pregnancy and that the baby is not growing somewhere else in my body. I've miscarried and am continuing to spot and will continue to do so until everything has cleared out of my body. I thank the Lord everyday that my experience with a miscarriage has not been daunting. I've had no pain other than the few times I cramped. Emotionally I'm spent. I'm tired physically and emotionally. These last two years have been all consumming trying to have another baby. We have so much to be thankful for and are so blessed to have one of God's gifts already. We want so much for Emma to have a brother or sister. I truely believe that the Lord is not done with me or us. I have much to pray for going forward. For now I think we'll take a break.

Thank you all for your prayers, concern, interest and excitement through all of the ups and downs. This difficult time is still not over. I'm still being monitored to make sure that things have cleared out and the feelings are still very raw. I'm not sure where this journey will take us next but I'm sure it'll be an interesting one. God has a plan for us and we are excited to see what He has in store. He is good. He is faithful. We may not be able to spend our earthly days with this baby but we all look forward to spending eternity with it. In it's tiny 8 weeks and 2 days of life it sure was loved.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..."
Jeremiah 1:5

Monday, August 4, 2008

God's Miracle ~ Part 1 ~

I know it's been a long time since I last posted on here. Life has taken us on a definite adventure ride full of ups and unfortunate downs. But here is Part 1 and I'll get Part 2 up soon.

**I wrote this July 8th, 2008**

After 7 at home pregnancy tests which all came up negative and spotting on Sunday we were totally bummed. My initial test at home was Wednesday and after we got the results I called my nurse and she said if I hadn't started my period by the following Monday to come in to the office and they would give me a blood test.

We went back and forth about whether I should even go to the Dr.'s and waste the gas to get there knowing that the blood test would come back negative. But if we wanted to continue treatments then I would have to have the test first to rule things out.

Like always we got up early and made the trip downtown. I sat down in the chair and she took my blood and I told her how I was over the whole thing and that I had already done 7 tests and I didn't know why I was here. Ms. Pam (the lab lady) asked me if I wanted to wait for the results and that it would only take 15 minutes. I contemplated whether to risk getting a parking ticket (which I've already had one last month) since I parked at the 15 minute meter. I decided what the heck and waited.

Emma and I were outside waiting when nurse Priscilla walked out of the door holding a piece of paper and a stick while Ms. Pam was beside her talking on the cell phone. I thought Ms. Pam brought Priscilla out with her to tell me the bad news. I shook my head to indicate that I wasn't pregnant and she gave me an odd look and told me to look closer.


I immediately started bawling my eyes out in total shock and disbelief because I was 100% for sure talked myself out of any chance of being pregnant. What a miracle! Next thing I know Ms. Pam is putting the cell phone up to my ear and it's my nurse Leanne. She was hootin and hollerin in the phone saying how God is so good! She said the next time I saw her that I was getting big hugs. Once I settled down and got myself together we left the office. I was told that they would monitor me real close and that I would have to come back in 2 days to make sure my levels were increasing.

I wanted to do something really cool for Phillip to tell him that I was pregnant but my mind was not functioning at all. He was already calling me on my cell phone to see how the appt went and I didn't answer. There was no way I could tell him on the phone and I certainly couldn't lie to him. There was no way I could wait until he got home from work that day to surprise him and do something cool. So Emma and I decided to go to his work and show him the test and the paper they gave me.

When we got to his work he wasn't in his office so we waited for him. Usually I try to look somewhat decent when we go visit him but today I was tragic in some gym shorts and a t-shirt and Emma had her funky outfit on that she picked out. lol He came in and shut the door and I told him to look at the paper. He scanned it and stopped. Looked up at me with a big smile and said, "You're pregnant!?!" I showed him the stick and he started jumping up and down. Shocked and excited can hardly explain the emotions.

It's been 1 1/2 since starting treatments and almost 2 years since we decided to start trying. It's been a long journey filled with ups and downs but God always new what he was doing. We rely on his timing and will except nothing less. It's God's time for us to have baby #2 and we welcome it with open arms.

God is so good and he continues to bestow his blessings upon us. What a miracle this is!

Children are a gift from God; they are his reward. Psalm 127:3
**Before you get to excited stay tuned for Part 2**