Thursday, January 29, 2009

Trust His Heart

Trust His Heart
All things work for our good
Though sometimes we don't see how they could
Struggles that break our hearts in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth
Our Father knows what best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim
And you just don't see Him
Remember you're never alone
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart
Trust His heart
He sees the master plan
And He holds our future in His hand
So don't live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him
We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry
He's weaving you and me
To someday be just like Him
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart
Trust His heart
He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart
Trust His heart
When you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart
Trust His heart

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Twelve Months Throughout the Year

I know that God is in control. Each month I am met with something new. A new challenge, a new month, a new reason to be positive, a new start. I can't help but posting this article from Stepping Stones but I just find it totally right on for me. Hopefully you all won't get sick of me posting stuff from there all the time now but I am so grateful to this publication. I feel like for the most part I've been fairly positive about this whole getting pregnant thing. God has a plan for us and we are just waiting for His timing to match ours. It was nice to see that other people took getting pregnant from the same or similar angle as I did. Check this out:

Twelve Months Throughout the Year

January is here, Lord.

It's a brand new year. I'm feeling excited, like my time is finally here...only to find that I have to wait another month Lord, why do I go through this every year?

February is the month of love, Lord.

My husband and I will conceive...Oh, I was just being foolish and naive.

March is here.

Surely we will be lucky this time. If I get pregnant this month, Lord, I'll probably wear green all year. I'll keep praying, Lord, for You to give me peace the remaining nine months of this year.

April has come and the showers are here.

Lord, please dry up this rain along with my tears. Why do I continue to do this every year?

May is beautiful and the flowers smell nice, Lord.

Maybe being in the garden will ease my mind, but you know my heart, Lord. There is no way I can hide. Seven months to go, Lord. You said You'd see me through.

June has come, and the heat is on.

I'm sure this month we will conceive because my faith is so strong...only to discover that this is a test to make me stronger. maybe the Lord will send a surprise in...


Maybe we'll see more than sparks and bright colors in the sky. Then we'll have a celebration of our own. Give me peace the rest of the year, Lord. I can't make it on my own. I knew before I prayed this prayer that...

August would be here.

As I watch the children get on the bright yellow buses for another school year, I get on my knees and pray. God, You said You'd see me through.

September arrives and hope springs anew.

But soon the leaves begin to turn and the breeze starts to cool. I know in my heart that September is through.

October has come, and I feel myself running out of time.


I eat more than usual, praying that maybe someone in my belly is making me feel unusual this time.

December is upon me and Lord, I have stood on Your Word.

"For nothing is impossible with God," is all I've ever heard. Don't You see, Lord, it's almost a new year. Why do I go through this every year, Lord?

Another One...

Well today was an interesting day to say the least. Over the weekend I started and was excited to think that we might start a new cycle. Ole Dr. L would have never started me on a new cycle back to back so this was a positive start with new Dr. B.

Today was going to be a busy day. So I woke up early and was thanking God for Phillip throughout my entire shower. Those that know me know that I am not a morning person. So to get up when it was still dark out just doesn't start the day out right. I'm so thankful to have a supportive husband who thinks it's important for me to stay at home and help raise our amazing daughter while he works his butt off. I often loose sight of how good I have it. I often loose sight of how hard he works and what it's like to wake up at 5:30am and not grace us with his presence until 6:15pm. On the other hand I get to sleep in in my warm bed snuggled with my snuggle bug while waking up at our leisure.

So the reason I got up so early was to make it to my baseline ultrasound before 8:30am. It was a great feeling walking into the clinic this mornig. Everyone (and I mean everyone, Dr.'s, interns, nurse and all) were in the hallway as we entered and they all were cheering (ok not really cheering) but genuinely excited that we were there. Ok. Maybe not that I was there but that Emma was there. Everyone loves Emma. She has a way of brightening up the room as soon as she walks in. Lord knows we've walked through those doors enough that everyone knows us by now. Unfortunatley Emma knows why we are there and what exactly I am doing and how it's done. Yes in detail. I think I've warped the child or she'll end up becoming a Reproductive Endocrinologist. That wouldn't be bad either!

Back to the reason I'm posting. Turns out that I have two rather large cysts on my left ovary and several smaller but significant cycts on my right. No cycle this month. I have to sit out while the cycts shrink. These cysts are of no surprise to me because I've had them before and they've also gone away on their own by the next month. Surprisingly I am feeling a sense of relief! Who knew! I think even though I hate taking a month off I really do need it. My body is worn out and emotionally I'm spent. Being that I just stopped my cycle, got jacked up on progesterone to get me to start again all in the last week and a half I was a little tired. Tired of the hormones and what they do to me. I'm tired of being irritable and grouchy. I'm tired of this whole process. I'm kind of back to questioning whether we should let go and let God...but then I think back to September when I was tormented with making a decision to go through more cycles and remember the decision we came to. Continue trying.

After my appointment we got back in the car (did I mention is was 33 degrees here?) and I called Phillip. He was disappointed and it was then that I realized I was a tad bit disappointed too. I truely do not know how this is all effecting him. Is he really ok with it all or is he disappointed with the struggle of not having more kids that we are facing? I'm hoping that it's easier for him to deal with it because he's busy at work all day and doesn't have the time like I do to sit around and think about it.

We had MomTime today at church. How appropriate is that timing!?! Just what I needed. A dose of church after my news. Get things in perspective. Boy did that happen. Our speaker today spoke of having the "perfect life." A loving husband, two children, one boy, one girl who were all Christians. One day her girl that was in college left their lake house and got into a terrible car accident paralyzing her lower half. After years of therapy and surgeries her athletic daughter found a new purpose in life. It's a struggle but the things she thought was important was important but they took on a greater meaning after the accident. You have to be firm in your faith, instill your children with their own faith by teaching them the Bible and getting them to memorize scripture. I'm working on that with Emma but not as faithfully as I should be. I need to teach her who and what Christ was and to have her develop her own relationship with Him and not have her believe in "my Christ."

I felt completely ungrateful after hearing this Mom speak of the life I have. I have an amazing life. One that I am taking for granted. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, my faith, my health. How can I want anything more? I need to quit focusing on trying to control things and focus on my relationship with Christ. What is more important? Nothing. If that takes the #1 spot then I'll be teaching Emma the greatest lesson in life. I'll be loving Phillip the way a Godly wife and woman should love her husband. I'll be a better sister, daughter and friend. I will have God's peace. What more could I want after that?

Now I should go and reread the poem "Wait" that I posted not several days ago. Why is it that we need to be reminded of what's important on a daily basis? Why can't we get it on the first go round?

Friday, January 9, 2009


I just received my New Stepping Stones magazine in the mail today along with the nicest welcome letter! This organization is a wealth of knowledge and I so wish I would have found it a long time ago. Maybe God has placed this magazine in my life for a purpose in His time.
I read this poem and I was WoW'd over 100 times at what it said. Not just 4 months ago I found myself battling against myself and God trying to find answers when all He ever wanted was Me.
I would find my peace in Him. I did.
I'm so thankful for Carlye who is in God's word daily and listened to Him that day He told her to call me and tell me that I needed to be closer to Him. This poem is only reaffirming what she told me and what I need to continue to do. I might just have to print this poem out and frame it. Hope it encourages you and inspires you as it has me.
All He wants is You. Everything else will come with it.
Wait: God's encouragement for uncertain times
By Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied,
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking; and this is my cry;
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair.
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd now know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that' beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly feel,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And thought oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still...Wait."