Tuesday, December 30, 2008
WOW!!! Ok. Yes I know God knows the plans he has for me. Plans possibly for Emma to have a household of children for Phillip and I to enjoy. I just wish we could have some progress or either accept what has been delt and move on. It is very exciting to hear the message this woman had for me. Don't you love it when God uses others to speak to us?
When I got there we had to wait a few minutes while they filled my perscription. Sitting on the table by the chair was this magazine that caught my eye. Stepping Stones "Offering Christian Support for Couples Facing Infertility or Pregnancy Loss." I picked the magazine up but didn't browse through it until late last night. Wow.
After I got the phone call earlier this afternoon I didn't have much time to be sad but I was and have been since. I sat down and started reading Stepping Stones and it was just what I needed. Interesting. There was a section of Bible verses that was titled "Hide God's Word in your heart." These totally hit home. Check it out.
I can do everything through Him who gives me strength- Phillipians 4:13 NIV
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go- Joshua 1:9 (Talk about hitting home. I'm discouraged. I know I shouldn't be but I am a little. This verse was nice to hear and be reminded of.)
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the LORD- Isaiah 55:8
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith- Hebrews 12:2a
Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long- Psalm 25:4-5
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!- Isaiah 30:18
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance- Psalm 32:7
As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the LORD surrounds his people both now and forevermore- Psalm 125:2
This is only the first 2 pages of the magazine. Check out the website. I haven't done much research on it yet but it looks like it's chock full of information with a Christian perspective. I like the support it gives and the insight. I can't wait to read more articles in it and tell you all about them. For right now it's bedtime for Emma and we are trying to get her more on a schedule. Goodnight for now! I can't wait to share more with you tomorrow.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Of course the morning of the ultrasound I started to spot but it was very light. Luckily the ultrasound of the ovaries looked great! No more web-like thing on my ovary and they still look like chocolate chip cookies. I wonder if that has anything to do with how many chocolate chip cookies I actually eat? Hmmm...Maybe my New Years Resolution will take care of that. So they said we would see if I actually had a regular period and if I did then I could start the shots. Fortunately for me I still have 3 boxes of medicine sitting in my fridge from back in June. Was this the ideal time to start treatments? Not really. We were leaving for Phillip's family Christmas in Florida in two days and then once we got back we had just a few days and then my parents were coming in to town and then Christmas was this week too. I have a tendancy to get very hormonal, emotional, tired, edgy and grouchy. We talked and prayed about whether or not we should just wait until the first of the year go through another cycle. That was very tempting being that our flexible spending starts over and wouldn't cost us near as much as if I did a treatment in December. (We went through the FSA in lightening speed last year will all of my issues and fertility treatments.) What if this time worked? What if this was it? We couldn't resist so we decided to go for it.
Thursday we received a letter in the mail from Dr. L's office announcing that he was leaving his practice and taking a new position with a very well known medical school a few hours from here. Effective December 31 he would no longer be in Birmingham. That helped seal the deal. This gave us one last shot with Dr. L before I had to find a new Dr. This would be his great send off getting me pregnant! It all was looking up for us!
Saturday December 20th we started the shots. I decided to have Phillip give me the shots instead of me doing them myself. I think I tried to be to in control of things and not including him in the process thinking I could handle it all myself. I wanted him to understand the process and everything that comes with it more than I was allowing him to be a part of. He actually did a very good job giving the shot. He was very nervous but in the end he was good. We started off doing three nights of 112iu's of Follistem and I was scheduled to go back for my ultrasound and bloodwork first thing Tuesday morning.
Tuesday December 23rd I had to pick Emma up out of the bed and put her in the car for our trek downtown for the ultrasound and bloodwork. I felt so bad waking her up because she needed all the rest she could get since she was sick this past weekend and we ran her ragged. We made it downtown just in time and the ultrasound looked fine. Still little follicles growing and the bloodwork came back with my estrogen being 49 which was low but we still had time for it to increase. Dr. L increased the Follistem to 150 for three nights and come back on Friday morning. This would give me an opportunity to meet my new Dr. and go over my file before Dr. L left. The ironic thing about my new Doc, I'll call him Dr. B, is that he was the one who saw me and confirmed my miscarriage back in August. He is slightly familiar with me if that is a positive thing. Bloodwork came back and my estrogen increased to 66. We would continue on with 150iu's of Follistem for 3 nights and come back Monday morning.
Monday December 29th I went back in for my ultrasound and bloodwork. My ovaries looked good to me and I felt like the follicles were increasing nicely. My nurse told me that today was Dr. L's last day and that he would be taking vacation days up until it was time for him to leave town. He told her that he wanted her to call him with my results and that he was going to monitor me from home. I was his "special case." I think he was a bit fond of me. All in a good professional way. Actually I think he was more fond of Emma than me. He always looked forward to me bringing Emma in and getting to visit with her. That afternoon Nurse L called and was saying that she was sad because I was her last Dr. L patient. I immediately got a bad feeling when she said that. What the heck was she talking about? He was going to monitor me from home. Why was she being all sappy? Then she dropped the bomb. He was officially canceling my cycle. My estrogen hadn't increased enough to be able to handle any substantial growth or pregnancy if that was the case. There wasn't any point in continuing the medicine and spending the additional money for more. I was totally shell shocked because I thought things were progressing rather perfectly minus the little estrogen problem. My hopes were high and now they were crushed. I had dreams of being able to "trigger" (take my last shot) on New Years Eve. What better way to bring in the New Year than being pregnant?
I was sad for just a few minutes and then Emma wanted to go outside and play. Isn't she awesome? She knows just the right time to entertain me. lol We went outside and played sidewalk chalk in the beautiful 65 degree weather the end of December. As we were drawing I could only feel but so sad. Phillip and I had talked about and wanted to wait to try again until January so this was just a bonus round cycle. A little positive spin on it was that Nurse L said that Dr. B may let me start another cycle in January and not sit out a month as usual because my estrogen was so low. Let's hope for this.
Going through fertility treatments can become very personal and get really private really fast. I got a bit uncomfortable knowing that everyone knew every step that we were doing. If you get my drift. It's not enough pressure that you put on yourself about trying to get pregnant but when the whole internet world knows that you have to "do it" specific nights that just weirded me out.
All of this to say I keep quiet for myself and for Phillip. I'd love to write as I'm going through it and I may just do that and then post after the cycle is over for you all to read about. I'm not trying to shut everyone out but I just don't want to have to talk about it everyday. Everyday I do talk about it is just one more reminder that I am the one with the problem and you aren't. I am the one who's ovaries won't cooperate and estrogen won't increase. I am the one who miscarried. On the flip side when I do talk about it I am reminded that God blessed me with one amazing little girl. I get to be reminded of what a miracle she is. Every breath she takes every move she makes, I get to see and be a part of. I was chosen to be a Mother. If I am only a Mother of one then I am blessed beyond measure and I will never be ungrateful. I have a huge responsibility to Emma and one that I do not take lightly.
I may call you one day to talk. I may call you to cry. I hope that you will always be there for me as I will always be there for you.
It was a web of some sort sitting on my ovary. Puzzled as to why I have this thing there they said they would give me a month off (like this was a long awaited vacation or something I get to go on.) Great! I get to wait another month to try again. I left the office dissappointed but knowing in my heart that God has a plan for me.
We'll see what November brings us.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Sometimes I feel like I'm going through a 12-step program. On most days I don't think about having mis-carried. I see itty bitty babies and feel happy and think they are cute and don't get those jealousy or angry feelings. But lately people are coming out of the woodworks getting pregnant or having their second or third babies. I do not begrudge anyone the chance at motherhood or having more than one whatsoever. Some people I have recently reconnected with that totally have a blatent disregard for being pregnant or that it's a nuisance. They would rather complain about their symptoms or say that they are being inconvienianced because they cannot go to a football game and drink with the rest of their friends. It's sickening. I'm sure they do not mean to be so flippant and they think it's funny. I personally would give the world to be in their shoes and think it's just ridiculous. I got a lot of forgiveness to be asking the Lord right now! lol
Once we got home and we were sitting at the table having dinner, Phillip and I talked about how I was feeling. It's like an out of body experience because when I take the time to think about how I felt I know God has other plans for me. I know that I will have another child but not at this moment. For that I know it's in His hands and am grateful that He knows me better than I know myself. Maybe I'm not ready for two babies at once. What if #2 is a terror? Yikes!!! lol I'm at such a great place in my life right now. I am blessed to stay at home with the most precious little girl. I know I am biased but she is so well-behaved, sweet, smart, well-adjusted fun little girl.
Satan is trying to attack me with all these bad feelings. So right now I'm going to stay strong. Get back into my Bible study and quiet time. Everytime I sit and play with Emma I will thank the Lord that I am right here where He put me for a very particular reason. I am so blessed. I have Phillip who is wonderful and supportive and a sweet little girl who loves me beyond measure. How could I ask for anything more? I can't.
This totally made sense. So I told her I had no idea where to even start. She suggested that I start reading the book of Psalm. Read until I can't read anymore. So what did God do? He started waking me early in the morning before Emma so I could sit at the kitchen table and have quiet time. During these mornings I started to have an overwhelming peace. His peace was not about giving me an answer about continuing all of this fertility stuff. I lost many nights of sleep, days I would sit pondering the positives and negatives about continuing the shots or not continuing. I was driving myself nuts (and Phillip) about trying to find out what direction God wanted us to go. After I started my quiet mornings my crazed state went away. I wasn't so concerned about finding God's answer for me.
I am so thankful for my Godly friends. Friends that pray and seek the Lord for guidance and really pray over you when they know you are struggling.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt..."
4 Reasons We Have Trials
1. To grow us spriritually.
2. To communicate Christ with the watchers of the world. Phil 1:12
3. So we can minister to others. 2 Cor 1:3-5
4. Because we have personal sin. Hebrews 12:5
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him...
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
1. God knows exactly where you are. John 3:16
2. He will use this for good. Romans 8:28
3. He will make a way through it. 1 Cor 10:13
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
**God brings out our virtues and satan brings out our vices.**
WOW! Right between the eyes. I think she was talking to me. Or should I say God put the words in her mouth to speak right to me. I know that we have been going through this for a reason and the reason has been showing itself to us in bits and pieces. It's all so exciting how the Lord is using us. Some days it's not so easy but just thinking about how we are being used for His glory is fascinating!
After the study I asked Kay her opinion about what we are going through. I explained to her what I was struggling with whether to continue the shots or stop them all together.
1. Is it a financial burden to continue the shots?
2. What does your husband think about it?
3. You need to stop over-analyzing this and listen to what your husband advises. After all he is the head of your household.
4. If you were a diabetic you would not go without your insulin. You need not to throw common sense out the window you need to put your body in the best possible state to become pregnant.
5. Listen to your husband.
Interesting. I feel like I've been struggling with this decision night and day when Phillip clearly sees the direction we need to go and is at peace with it. I love the wisdom you get from older women!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
So I we went to pick him up off the interstate and waited with him until the tow truck came. They loaded my car up and took it off. As soon as Phillip got into the car he started swatting his leg and yelling, "Oww! Owww! Owwww!" He had stepped in an ant pile and they were swarming his leg! There was no where to pull over so I stepped on the pedal and flew down the interstate only to pull off in a neigboring ghetto and swung in to the first driveway I could. We start picking off the ants that we could see and they just kept coming out of no where. He took his shoes and socks off and at a last resort took his pants off. I was dying laughing thinking of the scene and what in the world the neighbors were thinking. We both were praying that the cops wouldn't show up for indecent exposure. As the scene played out we could only imagine the cops showing up with their guns pointing at us and Phillip keep leaning down swatting at the ants crawling all over him and what the cops would think and do. Not good. We finally got the situation under control and his pants back on and headed home.
As soon as we got home I noticed the answering machine light blinking. I pressed play and heard the following, "If you would like to renew your car warranty please press "1."
Are you kidding me!?!
Let me preface all of this before I continue. Last summer God told me that He was not done with us and that we would have more children. I do not doubt this but as how we get to that point is what I'm struggling with. It is obviously not in my timing because I would have conceived and had another baby by now! lol
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Growing up in the '80s, I considered myself a Republican, inspired by Alex Keaton on Family Ties. Then I became an Independent. Then a card-carrying Democrat with Green-leaning tendencies. These days, I'm something greater than all these put together.
I am a mother.
By "greater," I don't mean "better" in a condescending, you'd-understand-if-you-had-kids sort of way. I mean that since becoming a parent, I've tapped into something more primal, more global, more far-reaching and intuitive than a political loyalty. Yes, I (usually) identify with a particular party, but I'll back any politician, any bill or measure that I believe to be in the best interest of children. My kids. Iraqi kids. Sudanese kids. Your kids.
There was a time when I let other people decide the issues and tell me what to support, whom to put my faith in, how to live my life. Not anymore- not by a long shot. Today I'm a woman with a mind of my own. You may be one too. Call us members of the Mothering Party.
I've read reports showing that only about half of all eligible American voters cast their ballot in presidential elections. Though I haven't seen any statistics specifically regarding mothers, I would argue that the number is also too low: In light of our collective power, I think that anything less than a 100 percent turnout by the more than 80 million moms in the United States could rightly be called too few.
The problem is not just our failure to vote. It's also our hesitation (frequently inpired- it's true- by exhaustion) to stand up, speak out, and rock the boat even as we're rocking the cradle. It's our failure to recognize, celebrate, and effectively seize the vast power inherent in the mothering role: power that we wield whenever we shop, whenever we speak, whenever we choose to take (or not to take) a stand.
I realize, or course, that mothers carry a heavy enough burden without being told we need to do more in the political realm. Sometimes, just getting through the day is tough enough. When your house is a veritable disater zone, when you're trying to b urp the baby and stock the fridge and find time to pay the bills and pick up one kid from a playdate before driving across town to another one's band concert- really, who's got the time to worry about immigration and national health care and fluorocarbons and Gitmo and the future of Roe v. Wade? Some days, it's just easier to block it all out, curl up on the sofa with a pint of Ben & Jerry's, watch American Idol, and hope that somebody else will step up and fix things.
Except no one else is stepping up. And if we truly want to leave our children a world that's worth living in, we moms are going to have to fix it ourselves.
A few years ago, I saw a television documentary about female leaders in developing countries. One woman from a war-torn nation said something to the effect of: "If women were the ones who came to the table to negotiate peace, none of us would leave until an agreement had been reached - because we know that women and children are the ones who will suffer the consequences if we don't."
In the 1960s, Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream. Later, John Lennon had a dream. We all have dreams, and here is mine: that one day, all mothers will use their political power and voice not in the way that the media and our husbands, pastors, fathers, and politcal leaders direct us to, but rather as we're led by our personal wisdom, our deepest intuition, our maternal instinct.
I dream of a day when the image of a woman with a child in tow is the first one that comes to mind when people hear the word "activist." I envision a country in which voters' primary concerns revolve not around oil and money, but around the issues facing families and children, issues like health care, education, paid family leave, and flexible workplaces. I imagine what it will be like when the most active political groups in the world are not those obsessed with winning a war, but those determined to win the peace. I picture a day when the driving force behind politics in my country is not power or money, but maternal love.
If my experience raising three children has taught me one thing, it's this: There is no more powerful political act than mothering. There is no greater reason than my children for me to become politically involved, and there is no more important work to put my efforts to than those things that will make this world a better, safer place for my kids. And your kids too.
From the book The Maternal Is Political, edited by Shari MacDonald Strong. Excerpted by arrangement with Seal Press, a member of the Perseus Books Group. Copyright 2008. Parents Magazine.
Friday, September 12, 2008
My second day I really did something for myself. I went on a bike ride! A bike ride that kicked my butt! For someone who used to ride her bike all of the time to someone who hardly rides it was very challenging. You ask how far did I go? 5 miles! Yes ladies and gentleman. Five very hard miles. I got off my bike and said to myself, "This sucks!" "This was not as fun as I wanted it to be." I can go from riding 8 miles in North Carolina to 17 at the beach to a measley 5 miles in Birmingham? Trust me it was way more hilly than I expected and I chose this route because it was the least hilly route that I could have taken near my house. I SUCK!!! But I guess that means I have to ride more often and harder. Maybe I'll try again next week.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Since the dreaded mis-carriage last month we've not done any fertility treatments. It's actually been really nice. We've been so busy that I know I haven't thought about it all that much and I don't think Phillip has as well. I'm not sure where that road is going to take us but we remain in prayer about it and will follow where the Lord leads us. So as of now we are not sure when or if I will restart the process. For now we are enjoying the treatment free life and taking life as it comes.
I started a part time job. I quit the part time job. It totally sucked. I think I was trying to relive my glory highschool days. I wanted to help Phillip out a little and try and make an extra few bucks that I could use to buy clothes, get my hair done, shop, etc... It totally wasn't a glamorous place that I chose to work but it was less than 2 miles from our house and they were super flexible with the hours that I could work. It was a grocery store where I was to be a cashier as I was in highschool. This by far was my all time favorite job that I've had. What better place to meet my neighbors and get some adult interaction?
There was obviously a huge communication problem from the get go that started with the management. I didn't realize this until the day I quit. My first day I cashiered and had a blast. I was only working 3 hours that day so it wasn't a big deal. The problems started Saturday night. I walked in and worked the register for maybe 2 hours. The rest of the night I was told that my duty was to clean, sweep and mop all 9 of the registers. Ok I was pissed. No one talked to me, introduced themselves to me or wore a smile on their face. I felt like I was in a dream. Isn't this the place where they say, "Where Shopping is a Pleasure." and for the employees, "Where Working is a Pleasure?" All the while, I was praying that the Lord just give me a servants heart and to keep a smile on my face so that I could represent Him and not be a total b***h. What I really felt like was I was being hazed because I was the new girl. I made it through the night and end the end I felt ok about things. The registers sparkled and you could eat off the floor once I was done.
Sunday I went back with a better attitude ready to meet some new friends and neighbors. I asked for my till and the guy looked at me like I had horns growing out of my head and told me that I was on the schedule as front service. Meaning bagger. I stopped cold in my tracks and thought to myself, "Oh no. Not another bad night." I put a smile on my face, carried my till to a register and then proceeded to bag groceries for other cashiers. I was thinking to myself, "what the hell?" How did I get the shaft again? After I came back from dinner I guess they figured I hadn't been tortured enough they told me that my duties for that evening were to clean the upstairs. This included sweeping, mopping, cleaning both the mens and women's restroom, cleaning the break room and taking the trash out. I about choked on my own spit when they said I would have to clean the bathrooms. It is definitely not my favorite thing to do in my own house.
The next day I called in a quit. One of the managers told me that she was told that I was hired on as a front service person. I was told that I was going to be a cashier. Why would I have been trained as a cashier if I was only going to be a bagger? Duh... She said she would have the store manager call me to talk about my experience but have I heard from her yet? I think not.
I truely value my time with Phillip and Emma. I would not give it up for the world and I realize I would do anything, sell anything, cut anything out, scarifice anything to be able to stay at home and be with my family. I'm so appreciative for Phillip providing for us and all of the hard work he puts in daily and thank the Lord for him everyday. I am truely blessed.
Lastly, my precious little one, Emma, started Mother's Day Out last week. She goes twice a week and is having an absolute blast. She's a little social butterfly and loves being with and around other little ones. I can't wait to see her grow and enjoy this fun time in her life. I'm so excited for her and she's made it a super easy transition for me. As soon as we get to school she's chomping at the bit to get out of the car. She gives me hugs and kisses and is off to her room. No tears or tugging just excited to be with her friends. This time gives me the opportunity to go to Dr.'s appointments, grocery shopping and running errands. I know those were not her absolute favorite places to go but she humored me when I would take her with me. Try bringing a two year old to the dentist with you! lol Yes, I would bring her to the dentist with me. I had no other choice and it makes for some great stories. We do well working with what we've been given. :) So I am very happy to say, I'm back to being CEO of The Martin Family. The best job in the world.
So that's my crazy life in the last month. I'll be sure and post more often. I do a much better job keeping up with Martin Times since I post mostly pictures and little snipits of our life over there. This is more of my therapy blog! lol I hope this all finds you doing well and look forward to catching up on everyone's blog Friday!
What goes around comes around. If you say you would never do something; it almost always comes back to bite you in the butt.
What I'm talking about and hating at the moment is this darned hair growth. How many women out there feel me? Have you ever been standing in a grocery line and the woman in front of you has a big long black hair growing out of a mole or a hairy chin? Do you find random long hairs on your body in random places and wonder what the heck is that doing there? Come on people. Feel me here.
I just can't pluck enough. I try and try. I carry tweezers around with me so if I'm in different light I can do a quick check in the mirror to make sure I didn't miss one. I guess it's hormones but it's so disturbing. I'm 28 and feel like it's out of control.
"Maybe I'm just having a bad hair day..."
Monday, August 18, 2008
Two things God has taught me in all of this.
1) Emma, my precious miracle baby is enough. She's my joy and my heart. I couldn't imagine life without her. We are immensely blessed with her in our lives and she is enough. God couldn't have given us a more perfect gift. I am so thankful for her.
2) Going through fertility treatments you loose sight of many things. You are focused on one thing and one thing only and are driven until you receive the desired results. Those of you who have children understand that it's easy to put your children first and make sure that they are taken care of. I'm guilty of that and God has convicted me on this. Phillip and I need to take better care of each other. We haven't gone out on a date in many months which is greatly needed. We need to work on doing things for each other first. Bringing a second child into the picture will only make things harder.
Please don't mistake me for thinking we are in trouble because it isn't. No one told me that marriage is a lot of work. It's so easy to forget the little things you used to do before your children came along. I just want to remember the nice things we did for each other. Remember what it was like when we were dating. Getting dressed up. Doing your hair. Wearing make-up.
It's funny because we have been trying to plan a special trip for our 5 year anniversary coming up this November. Every time we think of a place we both say, "Oh Emma would love doing that." "Don't you want to bring Emma with us?" Even though we really want to take her with us and it will be hard to leave without her I think it'll do us good to get away. We've had a heck of a year so far and we just need a nice break. Not really a break from her just some time to be together.
Anyways, thank you all for your prayers and your thoughts. It's been a very hard time but it's also been a good time. God is good. We truely believe that and we know he has plans for each of us. Even our little baby we lost. It all works to His greater glory.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
July 4th I started spotting and from that day I haven't stopped. All along the Dr.'s and nurses said this was all "normal." Other women that had had babies said that they spotted and had successful pregnancies and that I shouldn't worry. This pregnancy was different. Much different than my pregnancy with Emma. I got waves of nausea where my stomach would feel icky but nothing major. No throwing up or anything like that. I didn't have headaches like with Emma but had such fierce heartburn that I already finished one bottle of Tums. In the back of my mind though I just didn't feel like spotting was ok.
Saturday July 19th in the middle of the night I woke up cramping. It continued into Sunday and lasted all day. It was so bad at times that I could hardly stand or walk. We made it to church after looking on the Internet. I found my symptoms and concluded that I had "round ligament pain." That evening it all went away.
July 29th around 6pm I got the horrible cramps again. This time I just went and sat on the toilet. I couldn't think of anything else to do. The pain wouldn't let up. It lasted about an hour and went away. I felt one time a contraction like pain but that was it. I called the Dr. the next day and told them I wanted an ultrasound done. They did one with Emma when I was seven weeks along so I knew they would be able to make sure everything was ok. They told me to come in Thursday July 31st.
So Phillip, Emma and I went to the Dr.'s office on Thursday. I was excited and wanted them there so they could see the babies heart beat for the first time. We've been talking to Emma about the baby already and she's so excited. Phillip and I discussed the possibility that the appointment could not go the way we wanted it to go but we both tried to be really positive. After all, I was still spotting and after the cramping I never bled more than normal and never passed any large clots. I had nothing to fear since I knew I was having round ligament pain.
Nurse L started the ultrasound and we all just sat there in silence. I knew what was she was looking at and what she was looking for. I remember what it looked like the first time we saw Emma's little beating heart on the monitor. We sat there with our breath's held knowing what was coming next. Nothing. No beating heart. No baby anymore. I had miscarried.
We were taken into a room to wait for the Dr. to come in and we just cried. We had come so far and now there was no baby. All of the excitement and the planning was for not. My heart broke. The Dr. confirmed the diagnosis but said we needed to wait for the bloodwork to come back to see what was going on inside. He said I was definitely pregnant and I had either miscarried during the cramping and continue to do so, the baby is growing somewhere other than my uterus or lastely it's an ectopic pregnancy.
The bloodwork has shown that it's not an ectopic pregnancy and that the baby is not growing somewhere else in my body. I've miscarried and am continuing to spot and will continue to do so until everything has cleared out of my body. I thank the Lord everyday that my experience with a miscarriage has not been daunting. I've had no pain other than the few times I cramped. Emotionally I'm spent. I'm tired physically and emotionally. These last two years have been all consumming trying to have another baby. We have so much to be thankful for and are so blessed to have one of God's gifts already. We want so much for Emma to have a brother or sister. I truely believe that the Lord is not done with me or us. I have much to pray for going forward. For now I think we'll take a break.
Thank you all for your prayers, concern, interest and excitement through all of the ups and downs. This difficult time is still not over. I'm still being monitored to make sure that things have cleared out and the feelings are still very raw. I'm not sure where this journey will take us next but I'm sure it'll be an interesting one. God has a plan for us and we are excited to see what He has in store. He is good. He is faithful. We may not be able to spend our earthly days with this baby but we all look forward to spending eternity with it. In it's tiny 8 weeks and 2 days of life it sure was loved.
Monday, August 4, 2008
**I wrote this July 8th, 2008**
After 7 at home pregnancy tests which all came up negative and spotting on Sunday we were totally bummed. My initial test at home was Wednesday and after we got the results I called my nurse and she said if I hadn't started my period by the following Monday to come in to the office and they would give me a blood test.
We went back and forth about whether I should even go to the Dr.'s and waste the gas to get there knowing that the blood test would come back negative. But if we wanted to continue treatments then I would have to have the test first to rule things out.
Like always we got up early and made the trip downtown. I sat down in the chair and she took my blood and I told her how I was over the whole thing and that I had already done 7 tests and I didn't know why I was here. Ms. Pam (the lab lady) asked me if I wanted to wait for the results and that it would only take 15 minutes. I contemplated whether to risk getting a parking ticket (which I've already had one last month) since I parked at the 15 minute meter. I decided what the heck and waited.
Emma and I were outside waiting when nurse Priscilla walked out of the door holding a piece of paper and a stick while Ms. Pam was beside her talking on the cell phone. I thought Ms. Pam brought Priscilla out with her to tell me the bad news. I shook my head to indicate that I wasn't pregnant and she gave me an odd look and told me to look closer.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
We are so blessed to have shelter, food and so many other privileges. How could we complain about such minor things in life? It really puts thing into perspective for us.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Oh yes. I was wanted and chased down by a cop today. I should have immediately come home and blogged this but I was so mad and upset that I had to go shop.
Sunday, bless his heart, Phillip came home after church and cleared a 10ft area of brush behind our fence. He planned to leave the brush out for the garbage men to pick up today. So last night he hauled everything out to the curb and said a quick prayer that they would get it. When he called this morning the first question he asked was if they picked up the limbs. Ughhh, give me a few minutes to wake up before I go and look. So the next time I talked to him he asked again if they had picked the stuff up. Fine! I'll go look. I opened up the garage door and saw the brush still laying on the ground. I told him that they didn't pick it up and he asked, "Did they leave a note?" Are you kidding me? If I was a garbage man I would definitely carry a pad of paper and pen to leave people notes regarding their trash. That's about the tone I took with him as well. Not good.
So after I hung up I felt bad for snapping at him and decided that I would be the good wife and pile the stuff into the back of my car and dump it in the woods in theback of the neigborhood. I figured that was a good place to dump limbs and leaves where they would dissentagrate instead of breaking them down and putting them in a plastic bag to sit in a landfill somewhere. I was trying to be "green." So we are driving around with my tailgate open and a bunch of limbs hanging out the back looking for my drop point. I noticed that I was being followed by a city truck but thought that maybe he was the meter man. I pulled over, unloaded the limbs and brush and went on my way.
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! Oh for pete's sake. The cop is coming after me? Are you kidding me? So the cop pulls me over and then the nice city worker pulls behind the cop car. I was pissed. The freakin meter maid called the cops on me! For dropping tree limbs off in the forest where they belong anyways. He got my driver's license and insurance card, told me that what I did was "illegal dumping" and went back to his car. I called Phillip and told him what was happening and he wasn't happy. He said that was like a $500 fine and why in the world did I go and dump it in the back of the neighborhood? Gee whiz! I was just trying to do something nice and help out and I'm getting in serious trouble. So I started crying. No it was more like I got hysterical. So Phillip told me to continue crying when the cop came back to the car and tell him how sorry I was for "dumping illegally" and that I would be more than happy to go back and pick it up.
The cop came back and he gave me two choices. 1)Pay a $400 fine or 2) Go back and pick up the debris I dumped. I obviously choose #2 and he followed me back to the crime scene. Yes, he followed me. I took him to the spot and got out and cried some more and told him that I was only trying to help and that I have a lot more of it where it came from sitting in the driveway. (This was to be haul #1 and the rest to follow.) I explained that we left it for the trashmen and they wouldn't take it so I thought I'd be nice and take it for my husband not knowing that what I was doing was illegal since it was in the woods and not on a cleared lot or a house. He was actually very nice and told me that he wouldn't mind if the stuff found it's way into a dumpster of some sort but that I couldn't just dump it in the woods. Point taken.
So I drove away, cried some more and felt like a total moron for what I did. It was so humiliating. I love my town, I love that every where you turn you see cops patroling to keep our neighborhood and town one of the safest communities in the state but gee whiz. Did I have to get busted for dumping tree limbs? That's so lame!
Thanks to Officer Perry for letting me retrieve my tree limbs and not stick me with a hefty fine.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Since my levels have been so low in the past with Emma as the exception, Dr. L put me on Progesterone suspositories. I was not thrilled to have to do them twice a day but it isn't as bad as I thought they would be.
So we are still in the waiting game until next week.
Monday, June 16, 2008
This morning we hiked it over to the Dr.'s office for my ultrasound and bloodwork. I was excited to see that I had one good follicle that was 1.8cm! My guess was that Dr. L would want to trigger ovulation tonight. We have to wait and see what my estrogen level is as to whether or not they trigger.
So we're triggering ovulation tonight. My estrogen was 324 which she says was good for only having one follicle. I kind of got bummed though because with one follicle is slims down the chance of getting pregnant. But as I sit here and think about it, all we really want to trigger is one egg. That would reduce the chances of multiples. Yikes! What would I do with twins? I guess the Lord only gives you what you can handle. So we'll say lots of prayers and hope that this works.
They are going to supplement me with progesterone starting on night 4 after ovulation. So if it wasn't enough to give myself shots everynight I'm going to have to subsitute for giving myself suppositories twice a day. Yuck! But I'll be just fine.
So we covet your prayers and know that the Lord is faithful and good. We pray that if we should get pregnant that this pregnancy will bring nothing but glory to God and the life that He has entrusted us with. We hold tight to Jeremiah 1:5 and Jeremiah 29:11.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
So when I got to the office and they did the ultrasound I was bummed to see that my follicles were about 1.0cm big. Of course they want the follicle to be at least 1.5 or larger before they trigger as long as the estrogen is in a good range. So I walked out of the office thinking that they would call this afternoon and cancel the cycle for good. The nurse called and told me that I have instructions to continue the shots for 3 more nights! Wow! I was floored. Totally expecting them to cancel. She said that having taken off 3 days that it's like starting over again. So today is like day 4 for me. Ok. I'll go with that. It's better than canceling and having to sit out a month and start all over again.
So here's to 3 more nights!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
I promised myself that whatever the news was today that I wouldn't let it ruin my day. This morning I took Emma to see Go Diego Go Live and we had such an awesome time. Keeping things in perspective, I have a great husband who supports me in all of this and an amazing little girl that God has blessed us with. I can't ask for more so if it's not meant to be a second child in our family then we'll all be just fine.
I did find something that made me feel better yesterday. I keep a copious amount of notes from each cycle and I went back and found the notes from the cycle that I got pregnant on with Emma. Since I was doing the same protocol I wanted to compare my follicle size with the estrogen levels to see how I progressed. It was almost exactly the same thing that I did with Emma. I'm talking my estrogen was within points of each other on exactly the same days. So we are shooting for my estrogen to be over 133 and I'll feel good. I'm still not sure what they are going to say about the bleeding but we'll know in a couple of hours.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Boy was this a hard day. My melt down had been coming for the past couple of weeks but it's always unexpected but afterwards relief fills you. Emma's been waking up super early these days so that doesn't help things. We were up at 6:10am even before the alarm clock went off. So we were out the door by 8am so I could be at Dr. L's office before 9am. Schools out so I thought traffic would be smooth sailing. I was wrong. My normal way of going to the Dr.'s was at a stand still so I detoured myself and ended up in a worse traffic jam than if I went the normal way. I was 10 minutes late and super afraid that they labs would have left before I got there. Luckily one of the nurses called to see where I was and they waited for me. Seems like I wasn't the only one who got caught in all of the traffic mess that morning.
Emma gets spoiled at the Dr.'s office. It's not often when women have children and probably even more odd that someone has a child and still has to come to the fertility clinic. Emma is my best buddy and goes everywhere with me. She's greeted with smiles and hugs and special treats when she goes with me. She knows where the lollipops are and who has special stashes. In the lab they have special Dora bandaids waiting for her to put on her babies that she brings in with the stroller or to put on herself. Maybe one day Emma will be a doctor. She loves to sit beside me when I get my ultrasounds done and watch what she calls "the video."
So after the stressful morning we headed over to the botanical gardens to check out the roses and hydrangas. This was a fun stop and Emma enjoyed smelling all the roses and pushing baby all over the place. I was amazed at how beautiful their hydrangas were and I got excited when I saw that they actually sold them in their gift store. I about fell over when I saw the price tag that was $49.99 for an either 5 gallon bucket or it may have been 10 gallons but none the less it was way more than I wanted to pay. So I went and stole some out of a random person's house. Well, actually the house was vacant and for sale and were right on the road. So was that really technically stealing if no one lived there? I just took a few branches so I could try and propagate them. Lord, please forgive me for stealing. I actually do feel bad now. Since I couldn't go and put them back I came home and planted them yesterday so we'll see if they grow. If not, my mother-in-law is propagating some from her backyard that I'm sure will grow as they should. After all, she was the president of the Garden Club in her hometown last year.
So I got the phone call from the nurse telling me that my estrogen had increased to I believe it was 95 or so. Give or take a few points because I'm writing this several days later. I was so upset. My follicles are just not taking off and my estrogen is slowly increasing. Here insues the meltdown. I realized that I really did want this to work this time. I'm freaking out because they could possibly cancel my cycle this go round and I don't want that. I want to keep plugging away. We are headed out of town soon and I need to be done with the ultrasounds in just a few days and I don't know if I'll make it. Totally stressed out. I'm so over my weight and how I've let myself get to this point. I call Phillip and cry. We agree that I should cold-turkey chocolate. I then proceed to empty out the cabinets and fridge of anything that has chocolate and I feel better. It's been 2 days since I've had chocolate. That's a big deal! Well I do have to admit I cheated last night. We had a Girls Night Out over at my friend Kristine's house and she made brownies so I had one. It's still better than what I've been doing to myself over the past week. No, correct me over the past seven years.
I packed Emma up and we headed to the gym to work out some frustrations and I start to feel better. That's after I also called Leanne and cried on her shoulder for a while. :)
Friday, May 30, 2008
Early Wednesday morning Emma and I were driving home from having done my ultrasound and given my bloodwork and she asks me, "Mommy you feel good?" I said, "Yes, baby! I feel great!" (At the time I really did feel good.) I asked her if she wanted to have a baby brother or baby sister and she said, "No." Ok then...
So today we were coloring and it was my turn with the paper and she would tell me what to draw. We started off with a Mommy, Daddy, Baby and then out of no where..."brother." I guess she's decided that she wants a brother now. We'll see what we can do about that.
I do have good news to report. Last year with Phillip's previous company, we had an 80/20 prescription plan. That added up to A LOT of money spent on medication. This time I got 3 vials for only our $50 copay!!! I almost fainted on the floor when she told me. I found myself thinking God for His divine plan for our lives and directing Phillip to this new job. We continue to see many blessings flow from this. God is good!
Dr. L is keeping me on the same dosage of 112iu's over the weekend and then I go back for my ultrasound and bloodwork on Monday morning. My estrogen is slowly climbing up but I mean S-L-O-W-L-Y. Wednesday it was 44 and today it was 55. To trigger ovulation he wants it to be over 1000. So we need to make some progress in the next few days or they will cancel my cycle.
Besides Emma getting us up at 6:10am this morning we are both beat. We had a full day and are settling in for a girls night of movies. Barbie Mariposa here we come! For me I rented P.S. I Love You and Till Death Do Us Part. Hopefully one of those will be funny. I could use a good laugh.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
May God bless your marriage.
So here's to estrogen cocktails for the next 14 days. Cheers!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Until the next race...
We came up to get our bathing suits on and we are going to go down and watch Phillip finish the run and go have some fun!
**No update on the guy from this morning. I'm going to try and ask some of the medics that are hanging around if they have any word.**
As I'm watching all of the sudden it catches my eye that they are pulling people out of the water left and right. All right, this triathlon thing is starting to scare me. In my hyper-hormonal state that I am currently in, (I am ashamed to admit the following.) I look (mind you I where glasses to see distances and they are currently not on my face) and see someone being pulled in behind a kayak! I squint to get a closer look. He did get up from the kayak and walk with a limp down the beach in a yellow cap, sleeveless wetsuit, he unzips, red gear underneath. I literally freak out, run inside, grab Emma and run out to the beach searching frantically for Phillip. No where in site can I see him.
What am I thinking? He's a strong swimmer and this is his best event. There's no way it was him. He would not give up. I look at the clock and he still has 10 minutes until he should make it to shore. We will stay by the ropes and cheer the other on as they come out of the water.
**Before you read the next paragraph you should no before hand that this guy was NOT Phillip**
All of the sudden to my left I see a jet ski race up to the beach carrying someone on the back. UNCONCIOUS! A team of paramedics rush over and immediately start CPR on the guy. They literally worked on him for 5 minutes put the tube down his throat continuing compressions and NOTHING! The man's wife or girlfriend found that he belonged to her and she started freaking out. The whole time I was holding Emma crying my eyes out and praying for the guy. I hadn't seen Phillip come out of the water yet so I was starting to freak out again. They were continuing to pull others onto shore that had given up. I hit my knees in the sand and just prayed. They finally put him on the ATV and took him to the ambulance to try and revive him. This guy was the picture of a triathlete. Slim and trim and in good shape. How could this have happened to him?
I was bound and determined to stand by the fence and wait until I saw him run onto the shore and into transition.
I never saw him come out of transition. He probably came out of the water when I was watching this man die on the beach. It'll be a great day when we see him. We are going down now to see if we can find his bike and then wait for him to finish the run. I'll update later.
What I like about this sport is that it is generally a sport where you compete against yourself. But this weekend seems to be a bit testosterone filled even though there are many women around doing the race too. I should usually fit right in with my high testosterone levels and all but not today. I am estrogen filled.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
It's been a month since my endoscopy and life's been good. Virtually pain free except for the annoying diarreah (sorry so intimate) which comes on out of nowhere, cramping beyond comprehension and will last until I take my medicine which relieves it all together. Skip to the next paragraph if you don't like me getting graphic. It gets so bad that I know have two hemorrhoids (one which is from two years ago when I had Emma.) I cramp so bad that I feel like my buns could fall off. It's just not right.
So I go back May 13th for a follow-up. I did have to call one time last week to have Dr. L switch my medicine up because my stomach was starting to ache again and I knew I just couldn't go there again. I don't know if the medicine was starting not to work anymore or that stress brought it back on???
Let's talk about stress for a moment. I believe my stomach issues came on due to the intense stress we were dealing with back in Jan/Feb with Phillip's job loss. I was strong on the outside and for the most part on the inside but whenever I happened to be away from home I would loose it and get upset. I internalized all of it because I needed to be strong for him and support him. What good would it have done if I cried and boohooed everyday? Wouldn't have gotten him a job any faster and sure wouldn't have made the days go by any quicker. I knew in my heart that God had a plan for us but it's still hard seeing your husband hurt.
So once we got things under control with medicine life's been great! I've actually shed a few pounds, I'm not as bloated as I once was and at night I don't sweat through my night shirts.
Stress does crazy things to your body. A week ago I was having sleepless nights lying awake with things very heavy on my heart. One night turned into several nights. A cranky Ashley is not a very pleasant Ashley. Needless to say a combination of things were going on and my stomach started aching.
**Side Note** Since summer is approaching our activities have ended for the summer. So we've had to be creative in how we spend our days. I started cutting the grass for Phillip every Friday so that we have several more hours on the weekends to spend together as a family. We'll cutting the grass has kicked my allergies into high gear. I can only take the red sudafed to clear me up. Well this has sent my heart rate into the sky. So now I've stopped the sudafed and deciding whether I should cut the grass again. I do not need to add Hypertension to my list of ailments.
Anyways, Dr. L has switched my medicine and we are going to see how this works out. Right now it makes my a bit sick to my stomach for about 30 minutes and then goes away. I'm working on getting back to the gym 3 days a week to try and prepare my body to try and get pregnant soon. I'll write more later. I promise. :)
Friday, April 4, 2008
Phillip was with me today so I got the priveledge of walking him through everything and where to go. I felt like such a pro knowing the in's and out's of the building. (Last time my Mom took me.) So we sat and talked for about 45 minutes until they called me back. They prepped me for the iv which was the part I was dreading. With all of the test I've had lately my poor arms look like blue, black and brown pin cushions. She decided to pick a new place of torture which was my hand! Last time they put an IV in my hand it looked like I came across a brick wall and I wasn't the one who won. They let me keep on my clothes which felt like I hit the jackpot. I was hoping to sport some blue paper pants or shirt this go round. I laid up on the table and waited in the hallway until they were ready to roll me into the procedure room.
They should really think about knocking the patient out before they wheel you in the procedure room. You get to see all of the beeping machines, tools, rubber gloves, towels, needles, tape and stuff I want to forget about. I'm normally a fairly quiet person. I like to sit back and take everything in and then speak when I have something important to say. I realized that when I'm nervous I become "Chatty Cathy." I start chatting the nurse up and asking her all kinds of questions. I was slightly disappointed that my nurses from the colonoscopy weren't tending to my room today. They were really nice and funny and put me at ease. The nurses this go round were on the quiet side. As I was waiting there waiting for them to get started one of the nurses walks by with this thing in her hands which I assume was my endoscope. It was not small or short! Then she comes over and puts a towel under my head and chest (I'm guessing it was for any mess I made) then she lays this plastic piece next to my mouth that had a hole in the middle of it. I could only guess that they would tape this to my face, put it in my mouth and insert the tubes. Not pleasant thoughts as your about to go to sleep. I've come up with this game I play when they give you the Demoral (hopefully I spelt that right) to make you go to sleep. I see how long I can stay awake. Sort of like fighting the medicine. It's so stupid but it entertains me for the 5 seconds I get to play. I made small talk with the nurse the first time to see how long I could talk and this time was spent reading the letters on the rubber glove box and watching them get blurrier by the second. Next thing I know I was being wheeled out to the car and whisked away to sleepy land at home.
I actually got to sleep from 12-5 and then went back to bed at 8:30 for the night! My nurse (Phillip) and Emma were busy during this time making me a special card cut out with butterflies, clouds and flowers. Emma ran into our room and over to my side and said, "Mommy, wake up!" It was the cutest card ever! I am the luckiest patient ever!
So the results of the test yesterday were that I have mild Gastritis with IBS. (irritable bowel syndrome) According to eMedicine this is what Gastritis is:
In people who have gastritis symptoms, pain or discomfort in the upper abdomen is the most common.
The pain is usually in the upper central portion of the abdomen (the "pit" of the stomach).
Gastritis pain occurs in the left upper portion of the abdomen and in the back. The pain seems to "go right straight through" a person as it travels from the belly to the back.
People often use the terms burning, aching, gnawing, or sore to describe the pain. Usually, a vague sense of discomfort is present, but the pain may be sharp, stabbing, or cutting.
Other symptoms of gastritis include the following:
Belching: Belching usually either does not relieve the pain or relieves it only briefly.
Nausea and vomiting: The vomit may be clear, green or yellow, blood-streaked, or completely bloody, depending on the severity of the stomach inflammation.
Feeling of fullness or burning in the upper part of the belly
In more severe gastritis, bleeding may occur inside the stomach. Any of the following symptoms can be seen as well as those already mentioned.
Pallor, sweating, and rapid (or "racing") heart beat.
Feeling faint or short of breath
Chest pain or severe stomach pain
Vomiting large amounts of blood
Bloody bowel movements or dark, sticky, very foul-smelling bowel movements
So I have two new medicines to add to my cabinet. One for pain and one for the diarrhea and cramping. I also have to start eating Activia yogurt. I'm not a yogurt fan but I will try and force it down. It'll be good for my urinary tract and the fact that I have cystitis also. I have to go back and see Dr. L in one month and then go from there. Hopefully I can get this thing under control. Hopefully I'm done with having any issues for a good while. We'll see.
P.S. If you ever have to have an endoscopy done, do not worry. It's not bad at all and I didn't even have a sore throat afterwards!
Friday, March 28, 2008
Here comes the pity party.
I prayed and prayed and prayed some more that all this pain was coming from my gall bladder. Although removing an organ from my body is no small feat, I hear that it's really not all that big of a deal in the scheme of things. I had convinced myself that it was my gall bladder. I was crushed when I got the phone call. I continue to be a medical mystery. Much to my daughter and husband's chagrin I was depressed and upset the rest of the day leaving them to bear the brunt of my frustrations. Please accept my apology.
Emma is hit or miss with her naptimes lately. More like missing her naptimes altogether unless we are in the car and she falls asleep. This makes for some challenging afternoons but most of the time she's fine. Yesterday was not one of them. I tried and tried to get her to take a nap. She was frustrated and then I got frustrated. This pattern continued into the evening. She finally fell asleep at 8pm and then we put her down in her bed. We have no semblance of a nighttime routine when it comes to putting her in her own bed. It's ridiculous and I beat myself up for creating this bad habit of her going to sleep at night in our bed. I've felt to bad lately to even fight that battle. I really do love her sleeping with us because she's a great snuggler but I just want her to have the skills to fall asleep in her own bed and actually like it like she used to.
Anyways, the reason I am telling you this is because this morning as Phillip was leaving for work Emma (who woke up in the middle of the night and I brought her into our bed) woke up at 6:15am. We went and laid on the couch and did not get to go back to sleep. Then my stomach started to hurt. Great. I'm grouchy, tired and hurting. This isn't going to lend much to the day.
This morning I have another CT-scan scheduled for 10am. This is a follow-up to the last one they did where they saw the swollen lymphnodes on my colin and saw some inflammation. I'm sick of drinking nasty liquids, fasting and just plain ole tired of everything. Maybe this will be the test where they see something that they didn't see last time. I still have my endoscopy scheduled for next Thursday.
All of these tests and appointments and procedures are enough to give me an ulcer if it's not what I already have. Trying to juggle someone to watch Emma or drop her off at our local childcare place, having Phillip meet us during his lunch hour, asking friends to watch her or having my Mom fly down to help out. It's all so stressful having to ask for help. I like to be able to rise above everything and handle it because it's what I've had to do. It's easy for me. But when I have to ask for help or rely on others it becomes draining. Not because I don't appreciate the help because I really do. Maybe it's just pride because I can't do it all.
Sorry that I'm rambling. I need to jump in the shower and get Emma ready to go to childcare so I can get my CTscan over with.
I do find some relief knowing that God knows what's going on inside me and that he will continue to be with me. I continue to pray that He will give my Dr's the wisdom and knowledge to find out what's going on. I can only use this to glorify Him and what He continues to do in my life.
Monday, March 24, 2008
That's all folks. I'm hoping to get a good night sleep since Phillip will be here tonight so here's to me! Cheers! I'm off to soak in the tub and have an adult beverage to ward off any ill pains tonight.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I finally finished taking the Flagyl antiobiotic this past Monday. Dr. L said I didn't have to take it anymore but I decided that I would continue taking it just for the heck of it. It's pretty rough on the stomach but mentally and physically I would prefer not to start all over again on it just in case an infection was diagnosed.
I have been pain free for the longest time yet in 6 weeks! Six days have passed but I am still taking the Bentyl at least once a day to prevent the pain from coming back. Maybe God decided to heal me for good.
Yesterday Dr. L's office called and said that he wants to schedule an ultrasound and HIDA scan along with an upper endoscopy. The ultra sound and HIDAscan is scheduled for next Wednesday and I have yet to schedule the upper endoscopy for the following week. These tests are going to look at my gall bladder and see how that's functioning.
Back in February when I went to my fertility doc and he wanted me to start the prednisone to get my testosterone down. Again, I decided to wait and start taking the Prometrium and Prednisone after I stopped taking the Flagyl. It's extremely dangerous to take the Flagyl if you are pregnant and I would never want to do something to harm a baby. So 2 nights ago I started taking the Prometrium to start my period and then once that happens I'll start the Prednisone. I'm excited because this is the exact protocol that we went through when I got pregnant with Emma so maybe this will work. Hopefully next month my testosterone will be down so we can proceed with the next round of shots.
It's amazing how God works in our lives. Many of you may not have known that Phillip was out of a job for two months. He's back to work and loving where he's at. We are going to have better insurance which will drastically reduce the cost of the shots that I will have to take and hopefully it will cover the Dr.'s maitenance fees for each round. If I would have gotten pregnant when I orginally wanted to, we would have had a much more stressful 2 months to endure while he was out of work. I know God has a plan for me and I am just so excited to see Him working in our lives. God is Good!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Props to Dr. L. He's on vacation with his family and he called to check in with me. I thought that was so nice and shows that he does care. My primary Dr.s office has also called to check up on me every couple of days.
So far I've been pain free since Sunday. 3 days! Before that I had been in pain from Wednesday until Saturday. When I have good days they are really good days and when I have bad days they are really bad.
Only God knows what's going on and how to fix it. It's in His hands.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
We were running late as usual and grabbed two seats quickly. As soon as we settled in the Pastor stepped on stage and said that he hasn't planned to do this this morning but that he felt led to call people to the front that are dealing with things in their lives that need praying for. I nudged Phillip and told him that I had prayed for this last night and what a miracle it was! He asked me if I was going up and I said, "Heck yeah!" So I headed up front with other people and took my place at the steps. The church gathered around and laid hands on each of us while they prayed for us and Pastor David prayed.
It was such an amazing experience to hear the Lord answer my prayers so fast! I don't doubt that he heard me at all. He's the only one that knows what going on with me in the inside and He's the only that can heal me. I gave it all over to him and I know that He's the Great Physician and can work miracles or provide the Dr's with the wisdom and knowledge to figure out what's going on with me.
God is Good!
Friday, March 14, 2008
I called both my primary Dr.'s office and Dr. L's (gastro) office and left messages. Dr. L's office called back and said that she would tell the on call Dr. that I was still having pain and that Dr. L had called on his day off and asked where my biopsy results were and to get on it. Maybe we'll have an answer by Monday. Primary's office called back and said that he was off until Monday and that she would also deliver my message. She said that he will want to see the biopsy results first and then decide what else we can do from there.
Another weekend coming up and no answers and still pain. I hope this isn't a chronic thing.
Nothing better than a daughter's unconditional love. Emma must have thought whatever was going on in the bathroom what great fun. She would soon appear at the door, come in and have a seat on her bathroom stool. We'd giggle, sing songs, patty cake. At one point she brought in a mini pillow in and handed it to me. She would climb up on her stool, turn the lights off and say "night night Mommy." Then she would turn the lights back on and then shake me and say, "Wake up Mommy!" I would wake up suddenly and she thought that was the funniest thing ever! Nothing like playing games while having stomach cramps on the toilet. Pure potty love...
Friday, March 7, 2008
If I'm still in a lot of pain then he wants to repeat the CT-Scan next week and then discuss the possibility of doing laproscopic surgery to go in and explore. I'm hoping and praying that it's all just a nasty infection of some sort and that it'll begin to clear itself any day now.
Nothing like going to see your friends husband to talk about constipation, diarreah and everything that is wrong with your body. But hey, he does this for a living so I'm nothing new to look at. He suggested that I have a colonoscopy done and that he wanted to do more bloodwork and take stool samples. So we scheduled my colonoscopy for Thursday. I had no idea what I was in for.
Tuesday night I drank my first bottle of Magnesium Citrate in lemon-lime flavor. It tasted like salt and smelt like it was taken from a porta-potty. After drinking 3/4 of the bottle I re-read my instructions and realized I wasn't supposed to drink the stuff until Thursday morning before I went in for the colonoscopy. Great.
So Wednesay I had to fast all day and could only have clear liquids such as broth, jello, popsicles, etc... I was a total grouch in the morning but as the day went on it got better and wasn't so bad. At 5:30 I had to take a pill that reduced indigestion and then at 6:00 I had to start drinking this liquid from a 4-qt jug. It was so bad. I was only about to get down 1 1/2 cups of the nasty stuff. I was supposed to drink it until my poo was clear. Interesting but yes, clear poo. I called the on-call Dr. and told him I just couldn't handle it. He told me that I could get a second bottle of Magnesium Citrate and drink that and I should be ok.
Thursday morning I was in the office by 9am but wasn't taken back until 10:30. By now I was ready to chew my arm off due to no food and the lack of even water to drink. When the lady first called me back she asked if I was her for an endoscope! Ughhh! No! Try the other end lady. She apologized, corrected herself and began the process. They prepped me, put me in some fashionable blue paper shorts that were about 20 times to big for me, hooked me up to an IV and laid me on the stretcher. I waited in the hall with all the other old gray-haired men waiting for their turn. All of a sudden I heard this man groan and yell NOOOOOO! I sat up straight looked at the closest nurse and she smiled and giggled a little. Thanks for the warning lady. I then got wheeled in to my room. I told my nurse that I didn't want any yelling, moaning or groaning during my session. She was funny and said that the man thought he was at home! Ok. They were super nice and eased my fears and slowly sent me into my Demoral sleeping state. It was so nice. I remember starting to wake up and pooting. How embarrasing! That was it. It was all over and I didn't feel a thing. I was sent home with instructions to rest and that they would be in touch.
The Dr. did say that some of my bloodwork came back from Tuesday and that my inflammation had gone down but they still saw some swollen lymphnodes. He thinks that it is not Chron's Disease but that he's leaning towards a food allergy such at Celiac's Disease or Eso-colitis or something like that where a parasite is in my intestions and hasn't gotten out. He took several biopsey's and we will see what those come back with.