Tuesday, August 5, 2008

~Part 2~

**Read Part 1 first (It's right below this one.)**
As of last Thursday I was 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant. 6 weeks and 2 days past ovulation and 3 weeks and 2 days since I knew I found out I was pregnant.

July 4th I started spotting and from that day I haven't stopped. All along the Dr.'s and nurses said this was all "normal." Other women that had had babies said that they spotted and had successful pregnancies and that I shouldn't worry. This pregnancy was different. Much different than my pregnancy with Emma. I got waves of nausea where my stomach would feel icky but nothing major. No throwing up or anything like that. I didn't have headaches like with Emma but had such fierce heartburn that I already finished one bottle of Tums. In the back of my mind though I just didn't feel like spotting was ok.

Saturday July 19th in the middle of the night I woke up cramping. It continued into Sunday and lasted all day. It was so bad at times that I could hardly stand or walk. We made it to church after looking on the Internet. I found my symptoms and concluded that I had "round ligament pain." That evening it all went away.

July 29th around 6pm I got the horrible cramps again. This time I just went and sat on the toilet. I couldn't think of anything else to do. The pain wouldn't let up. It lasted about an hour and went away. I felt one time a contraction like pain but that was it. I called the Dr. the next day and told them I wanted an ultrasound done. They did one with Emma when I was seven weeks along so I knew they would be able to make sure everything was ok. They told me to come in Thursday July 31st.

So Phillip, Emma and I went to the Dr.'s office on Thursday. I was excited and wanted them there so they could see the babies heart beat for the first time. We've been talking to Emma about the baby already and she's so excited. Phillip and I discussed the possibility that the appointment could not go the way we wanted it to go but we both tried to be really positive. After all, I was still spotting and after the cramping I never bled more than normal and never passed any large clots. I had nothing to fear since I knew I was having round ligament pain.

Nurse L started the ultrasound and we all just sat there in silence. I knew what was she was looking at and what she was looking for. I remember what it looked like the first time we saw Emma's little beating heart on the monitor. We sat there with our breath's held knowing what was coming next. Nothing. No beating heart. No baby anymore. I had miscarried.

We were taken into a room to wait for the Dr. to come in and we just cried. We had come so far and now there was no baby. All of the excitement and the planning was for not. My heart broke. The Dr. confirmed the diagnosis but said we needed to wait for the bloodwork to come back to see what was going on inside. He said I was definitely pregnant and I had either miscarried during the cramping and continue to do so, the baby is growing somewhere other than my uterus or lastely it's an ectopic pregnancy.

The bloodwork has shown that it's not an ectopic pregnancy and that the baby is not growing somewhere else in my body. I've miscarried and am continuing to spot and will continue to do so until everything has cleared out of my body. I thank the Lord everyday that my experience with a miscarriage has not been daunting. I've had no pain other than the few times I cramped. Emotionally I'm spent. I'm tired physically and emotionally. These last two years have been all consumming trying to have another baby. We have so much to be thankful for and are so blessed to have one of God's gifts already. We want so much for Emma to have a brother or sister. I truely believe that the Lord is not done with me or us. I have much to pray for going forward. For now I think we'll take a break.

Thank you all for your prayers, concern, interest and excitement through all of the ups and downs. This difficult time is still not over. I'm still being monitored to make sure that things have cleared out and the feelings are still very raw. I'm not sure where this journey will take us next but I'm sure it'll be an interesting one. God has a plan for us and we are excited to see what He has in store. He is good. He is faithful. We may not be able to spend our earthly days with this baby but we all look forward to spending eternity with it. In it's tiny 8 weeks and 2 days of life it sure was loved.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..."
Jeremiah 1:5


Searching said...

Oh, I am so, so sorry! Please give big hugs to the three of you. I am excited that you carried that little life for those weeks, but so saddened that it left far too soon. I know it has been a long journey for you. You will stay in my prayers.

Jenn said...

Ashley, my deepest prayers are with you. I've had 2 miscarriages-and it is heartwrenching. I wish I could say the emotional aspect of it goes away but I know it takes a while. Please know you are in my prayers and know God is good and timew will show you treasures! You can e-mail me if you want to chat jennd78@comcast.net

Sherri said...

I am so sorry, Ashley. I cried when I read this post. I know we haven't been in touch a lot since HSI, but you are often in my thoughts and I check this blog a lot. You are in my prayers - during this and your entire journey. Please give Phillip a hug for me and know that all of you are loved and missed.

Danielle said...

Ashley, I am so sorry to hear about this loss. This is one of those cases where I can say I know EXACTLY everything you are feeling and I know it is not easy and there really isn't much anyone can say to make it better. I am glad that you have such a strong faith because that really is all that can pull you through when all is said and done.

Searching said...

Just thinking about you and wanted to check in.