12-Step Program

I recently came across a friend that got pregnant right around the same time I did this summer. After chatting for a few minutes and walking off it hit me. I would have been just as pregnant as she was. And she was pretty pregnant! A rush of sadness came across me. That could have been me. I usually do not think like this. She's a good friend of mine. But I felt angry and jealous all at the same time. It took me all by surprise.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going through a 12-step program. On most days I don't think about having mis-carried. I see itty bitty babies and feel happy and think they are cute and don't get those jealousy or angry feelings. But lately people are coming out of the woodworks getting pregnant or having their second or third babies. I do not begrudge anyone the chance at motherhood or having more than one whatsoever. Some people I have recently reconnected with that totally have a blatent disregard for being pregnant or that it's a nuisance. They would rather complain about their symptoms or say that they are being inconvienianced because they cannot go to a football game and drink with the rest of their friends. It's sickening. I'm sure they do not mean to be so flippant and they think it's funny. I personally would give the world to be in their shoes and think it's just ridiculous. I got a lot of forgiveness to be asking the Lord right now! lol

Once we got home and we were sitting at the table having dinner, Phillip and I talked about how I was feeling. It's like an out of body experience because when I take the time to think about how I felt I know God has other plans for me. I know that I will have another child but not at this moment. For that I know it's in His hands and am grateful that He knows me better than I know myself. Maybe I'm not ready for two babies at once. What if #2 is a terror? Yikes!!! lol I'm at such a great place in my life right now. I am blessed to stay at home with the most precious little girl. I know I am biased but she is so well-behaved, sweet, smart, well-adjusted fun little girl.

Satan is trying to attack me with all these bad feelings. So right now I'm going to stay strong. Get back into my Bible study and quiet time. Everytime I sit and play with Emma I will thank the Lord that I am right here where He put me for a very particular reason. I am so blessed. I have Phillip who is wonderful and supportive and a sweet little girl who loves me beyond measure. How could I ask for anything more? I can't.

Friends that Challenge Me

A week or two after I started my Bible study in the book of James my girlfriend Carlye called me. She had been reading in Priscilla Shirer's book "Discerning the Voice of God" and a few pages struck her. God had pressed upon her to call me and share these thoughts and writings with me. She was so cute. Carlye said please don't get mad at me but God said to share these things with you. 1.) God wants you to draw close to Him and have a relationship with Him. 2.) Read His word and this is how you will get to know Him. Have a daily quiet time to read the Bible and pray.

This totally made sense. So I told her I had no idea where to even start. She suggested that I start reading the book of Psalm. Read until I can't read anymore. So what did God do? He started waking me early in the morning before Emma so I could sit at the kitchen table and have quiet time. During these mornings I started to have an overwhelming peace. His peace was not about giving me an answer about continuing all of this fertility stuff. I lost many nights of sleep, days I would sit pondering the positives and negatives about continuing the shots or not continuing. I was driving myself nuts (and Phillip) about trying to find out what direction God wanted us to go. After I started my quiet mornings my crazed state went away. I wasn't so concerned about finding God's answer for me.

I am so thankful for my Godly friends. Friends that pray and seek the Lord for guidance and really pray over you when they know you are struggling.