Wednesday, November 12, 2008

12-Step Program

I recently came across a friend that got pregnant right around the same time I did this summer. After chatting for a few minutes and walking off it hit me. I would have been just as pregnant as she was. And she was pretty pregnant! A rush of sadness came across me. That could have been me. I usually do not think like this. She's a good friend of mine. But I felt angry and jealous all at the same time. It took me all by surprise.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going through a 12-step program. On most days I don't think about having mis-carried. I see itty bitty babies and feel happy and think they are cute and don't get those jealousy or angry feelings. But lately people are coming out of the woodworks getting pregnant or having their second or third babies. I do not begrudge anyone the chance at motherhood or having more than one whatsoever. Some people I have recently reconnected with that totally have a blatent disregard for being pregnant or that it's a nuisance. They would rather complain about their symptoms or say that they are being inconvienianced because they cannot go to a football game and drink with the rest of their friends. It's sickening. I'm sure they do not mean to be so flippant and they think it's funny. I personally would give the world to be in their shoes and think it's just ridiculous. I got a lot of forgiveness to be asking the Lord right now! lol

Once we got home and we were sitting at the table having dinner, Phillip and I talked about how I was feeling. It's like an out of body experience because when I take the time to think about how I felt I know God has other plans for me. I know that I will have another child but not at this moment. For that I know it's in His hands and am grateful that He knows me better than I know myself. Maybe I'm not ready for two babies at once. What if #2 is a terror? Yikes!!! lol I'm at such a great place in my life right now. I am blessed to stay at home with the most precious little girl. I know I am biased but she is so well-behaved, sweet, smart, well-adjusted fun little girl.

Satan is trying to attack me with all these bad feelings. So right now I'm going to stay strong. Get back into my Bible study and quiet time. Everytime I sit and play with Emma I will thank the Lord that I am right here where He put me for a very particular reason. I am so blessed. I have Phillip who is wonderful and supportive and a sweet little girl who loves me beyond measure. How could I ask for anything more? I can't.


Candie said...

Okay, so I feel more so connected to you now than I did before. (I follow your blog. You may not know that...but when I created my "fertility blog" in addition to our family blog, I found yours and a few other stories and linked them to my fertility blog. ANYWAY, I didn't realize you already have a little girl. I have a 3 year-old little's nice to hear thoughts from someone who has also miscarried and is trying for a second child. I'm in the same boat and "get" where you're coming from.

Demetri and Sarah said...

Take heart, my dear...I have those EXACT SAME THOUGHTS frequently. My due date was Monday. My friend that got pregnant within days of me is being induced on Friday. We've been drinking quite a bit of red wine at my house this week.

Stephanie said...

my due date would have been in the next two weeks and i am starting to really dwell on that and not the Lord. thank you for this great reminder of where my focus needs to be...on God, my husband and my wonderful 18 month old son!