Well today was an interesting day to say the least. Over the weekend I started and was excited to think that we might start a new cycle. Ole Dr. L would have never started me on a new cycle back to back so this was a positive start with new Dr. B.
Today was going to be a busy day. So I woke up early and was thanking God for Phillip throughout my entire shower. Those that know me know that I am not a morning person. So to get up when it was still dark out just doesn't start the day out right. I'm so thankful to have a supportive husband who thinks it's important for me to stay at home and help raise our amazing daughter while he works his butt off. I often loose sight of how good I have it. I often loose sight of how hard he works and what it's like to wake up at 5:30am and not grace us with his presence until 6:15pm. On the other hand I get to sleep in in my warm bed snuggled with my snuggle bug while waking up at our leisure.
So the reason I got up so early was to make it to my baseline ultrasound before 8:30am. It was a great feeling walking into the clinic this mornig. Everyone (and I mean everyone, Dr.'s, interns, nurse and all) were in the hallway as we entered and they all were cheering (ok not really cheering) but genuinely excited that we were there. Ok. Maybe not that I was there but that Emma was there. Everyone loves Emma. She has a way of brightening up the room as soon as she walks in. Lord knows we've walked through those doors enough that everyone knows us by now. Unfortunatley Emma knows why we are there and what exactly I am doing and how it's done. Yes in detail. I think I've warped the child or she'll end up becoming a Reproductive Endocrinologist. That wouldn't be bad either!
Back to the reason I'm posting. Turns out that I have two rather large cysts on my left ovary and several smaller but significant cycts on my right. No cycle this month. I have to sit out while the cycts shrink. These cysts are of no surprise to me because I've had them before and they've also gone away on their own by the next month. Surprisingly I am feeling a sense of relief! Who knew! I think even though I hate taking a month off I really do need it. My body is worn out and emotionally I'm spent. Being that I just stopped my cycle, got jacked up on progesterone to get me to start again all in the last week and a half I was a little tired. Tired of the hormones and what they do to me. I'm tired of being irritable and grouchy. I'm tired of this whole process. I'm kind of back to questioning whether we should let go and let God...but then I think back to September when I was tormented with making a decision to go through more cycles and remember the decision we came to. Continue trying.
After my appointment we got back in the car (did I mention is was 33 degrees here?) and I called Phillip. He was disappointed and it was then that I realized I was a tad bit disappointed too. I truely do not know how this is all effecting him. Is he really ok with it all or is he disappointed with the struggle of not having more kids that we are facing? I'm hoping that it's easier for him to deal with it because he's busy at work all day and doesn't have the time like I do to sit around and think about it.
We had MomTime today at church. How appropriate is that timing!?! Just what I needed. A dose of church after my news. Get things in perspective. Boy did that happen. Our speaker today spoke of having the "perfect life." A loving husband, two children, one boy, one girl who were all Christians. One day her girl that was in college left their lake house and got into a terrible car accident paralyzing her lower half. After years of therapy and surgeries her athletic daughter found a new purpose in life. It's a struggle but the things she thought was important was important but they took on a greater meaning after the accident. You have to be firm in your faith, instill your children with their own faith by teaching them the Bible and getting them to memorize scripture. I'm working on that with Emma but not as faithfully as I should be. I need to teach her who and what Christ was and to have her develop her own relationship with Him and not have her believe in "my Christ."
I felt completely ungrateful after hearing this Mom speak of the life I have. I have an amazing life. One that I am taking for granted. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, my faith, my health. How can I want anything more? I need to quit focusing on trying to control things and focus on my relationship with Christ. What is more important? Nothing. If that takes the #1 spot then I'll be teaching Emma the greatest lesson in life. I'll be loving Phillip the way a Godly wife and woman should love her husband. I'll be a better sister, daughter and friend. I will have God's peace. What more could I want after that?
Now I should go and reread the poem "Wait" that I posted not several days ago. Why is it that we need to be reminded of what's important on a daily basis? Why can't we get it on the first go round?