A Window To My Soul

Ever since the miscarriage I have not talked much about us going forward in our infertile journey. For one I really do not have much to say about it. It is what it is, it is what is was. Neither of which can I control. I try but I can't. Once I opened myself up for the world to see I opened myself up for a lot of questions. Those questions were really hard to answer and frankly I didn't want to have to answer questions for anyone. I wanted to grieve privately and move on when I was ready. Talk when I wanted to talk and not talk when others wanted to. I didn't want consoling I just wanted to be able to talk about it and have someone listen. Not really listen and have someone else do the talking. For that I think I've kept to myself and Phillip about what we were doing or what we were doing.

Going through fertility treatments can become very personal and get really private really fast. I got a bit uncomfortable knowing that everyone knew every step that we were doing. If you get my drift. It's not enough pressure that you put on yourself about trying to get pregnant but when the whole internet world knows that you have to "do it" specific nights that just weirded me out.

All of this to say I keep quiet for myself and for Phillip. I'd love to write as I'm going through it and I may just do that and then post after the cycle is over for you all to read about. I'm not trying to shut everyone out but I just don't want to have to talk about it everyday. Everyday I do talk about it is just one more reminder that I am the one with the problem and you aren't. I am the one who's ovaries won't cooperate and estrogen won't increase. I am the one who miscarried. On the flip side when I do talk about it I am reminded that God blessed me with one amazing little girl. I get to be reminded of what a miracle she is. Every breath she takes every move she makes, I get to see and be a part of. I was chosen to be a Mother. If I am only a Mother of one then I am blessed beyond measure and I will never be ungrateful. I have a huge responsibility to Emma and one that I do not take lightly.

I may call you one day to talk. I may call you to cry. I hope that you will always be there for me as I will always be there for you.