Back in July I ran into one of my old nurses at a restaurant from the infertility clinic. She was giving me a run down of what was going on with everyone since it had been around 4 months since I had been back. I had been going there over 2 years so I new everyone fairly well. It was so good to see her that she spiked my interest of going back to visit. My new nurse Priscilla (she was with the current Dr. I was seeing) has called me every once in a while just to check in and say hi and to see how everything was going. They were all worried about us after we had the shock of thinking we were having 4 then 5 babies and loosing three all in the matter of weeks. I found out that she was moving up north and I really wanted to go and see her before she moved.
Last Monday I had my regular Dr's appointment which is near the clinic so I decided that I would go and visit before my appointment. This was a VERY BIG DEAL for me to go back. It was such an emotional two years trying to get pregnant, having one miscarriage, deciding to do one last round of treatments and then stop, then getting pregnant with not only 1 kid but 5 was beyond overwhelming for me. I had no idea that a matter of 9 weeks could change a persons life FOREVER! They were by far the hardest three weeks of our lives. Life changing. Seeing a dream come true magnified five times literally scared the life out of me. I remember not knowing how I was going to make it to the next minute. Gripping fear overwhelmed me. During this time we had our faith affirmed like never before and God showed us his love in amazing ways that I'll never forget. Our friends and family stepped up and walked us through this difficult time and by the end we were ok and started accepting things one day at a time. Then we found out that we had lost 3 precious babies. How do you even start to comprehend that? Sadness and joy? Those were such odd emotions to feel at the same time after loosing three children. How do you feel right about that?
Everytime I would drive down the interstate headed anywhere near that area or just passing by on my way somewhere else I would start to feel anxious and nervous. Everytime we go to my regular OB appointment I would start to freak out. I was waiting for the ball to drop with some sort of bad news. We (and so many others) prayed hard for us to keep these two precious babies and the last thing I thought I could handle would be loosing one or both. My other fear was that at some point we would get news that one or both had some sort of defect or handicap. I knew that if that was the case that the Lord had given us these special children and it would be for His good and glory. It would be hard but He would not leave us unequiped to handle raising them. Since we had the last ultrasound at 20 weeks I have not had one since. The babies measured great and they didn't notice anything of concern. We've chosen along with the Dr's advice not to have an amnio done. Whether we have children with disablities or not it would definitely not sway us to abort our children. I trust that my children are in the hands of the Lord and that they are precious gifts given to us for a period of time. God is their ultimate protector and we trust in Him.
All this to say...I felt that I needed to go back to the clinic and experience some good things there and move past the past and put it behind me. So far my babies are healthy and things are going well. It was so nice to see everyone and seeing them excited to see Emma and I. They just loved seeing my big ole belly and being able to witness the Lord's goodness from a chaotic situation at first. It's always nice to see good results and see your patients come back after having walked such an emotional journey.
I think I've conquered my fear and put the past behind me somewhat. Knowing that we will see our three precious children in Heaven for eternity someday is something wonderful to be celebrated! Now we have less than 9 weeks to get through and deliver two safe and healthy babies. Exciting times are definitely ahead.