Friday, March 28, 2008


The nurse from Dr. L's office called yesterday and gave me the results of the ultrasound and HIDAscan. Normal! I'm normal. Who would have guessed? I sure don't feel normal.

Here comes the pity party.

I prayed and prayed and prayed some more that all this pain was coming from my gall bladder. Although removing an organ from my body is no small feat, I hear that it's really not all that big of a deal in the scheme of things. I had convinced myself that it was my gall bladder. I was crushed when I got the phone call. I continue to be a medical mystery. Much to my daughter and husband's chagrin I was depressed and upset the rest of the day leaving them to bear the brunt of my frustrations. Please accept my apology.

Emma is hit or miss with her naptimes lately. More like missing her naptimes altogether unless we are in the car and she falls asleep. This makes for some challenging afternoons but most of the time she's fine. Yesterday was not one of them. I tried and tried to get her to take a nap. She was frustrated and then I got frustrated. This pattern continued into the evening. She finally fell asleep at 8pm and then we put her down in her bed. We have no semblance of a nighttime routine when it comes to putting her in her own bed. It's ridiculous and I beat myself up for creating this bad habit of her going to sleep at night in our bed. I've felt to bad lately to even fight that battle. I really do love her sleeping with us because she's a great snuggler but I just want her to have the skills to fall asleep in her own bed and actually like it like she used to.

Anyways, the reason I am telling you this is because this morning as Phillip was leaving for work Emma (who woke up in the middle of the night and I brought her into our bed) woke up at 6:15am. We went and laid on the couch and did not get to go back to sleep. Then my stomach started to hurt. Great. I'm grouchy, tired and hurting. This isn't going to lend much to the day.

This morning I have another CT-scan scheduled for 10am. This is a follow-up to the last one they did where they saw the swollen lymphnodes on my colin and saw some inflammation. I'm sick of drinking nasty liquids, fasting and just plain ole tired of everything. Maybe this will be the test where they see something that they didn't see last time. I still have my endoscopy scheduled for next Thursday.

All of these tests and appointments and procedures are enough to give me an ulcer if it's not what I already have. Trying to juggle someone to watch Emma or drop her off at our local childcare place, having Phillip meet us during his lunch hour, asking friends to watch her or having my Mom fly down to help out. It's all so stressful having to ask for help. I like to be able to rise above everything and handle it because it's what I've had to do. It's easy for me. But when I have to ask for help or rely on others it becomes draining. Not because I don't appreciate the help because I really do. Maybe it's just pride because I can't do it all.

Sorry that I'm rambling. I need to jump in the shower and get Emma ready to go to childcare so I can get my CTscan over with.

I do find some relief knowing that God knows what's going on inside me and that he will continue to be with me. I continue to pray that He will give my Dr's the wisdom and knowledge to find out what's going on. I can only use this to glorify Him and what He continues to do in my life.


Jenn said...

Ashley, I'm sooo sorry you're going through all this. I will be praying that they find an answer for you. I personally know it's hard being a medical mystery-been there before with my back problems. Hopefully they will find the answer. I waited 13 long years for a surgery that finally relieved everything! We are praying for you. Hang in there!

Searching said...

How'd the CT go? I know the absolute frustration of knowing something is wrong yet not being able to figure out what, the constant stream of tests and docs and still no answers. I'm praying for you!